From the creators
of moonpointer,
this is an anonymous

Personal stuff
we find amusing
and somewhat heartening.
Stuff that make Samsara more beararble... unfortunately?


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Friday, May 16, 2003

Unlisted Number

Erased a friend's number in my handphone.
Because she lost my trust,
such that I don't think I know her anymore,
such that I lost a friend.

The next time she messaged,
it was a foreign number.
Not sure,
I had to reply,
"Who is it? I don't know you..."
Perhaps I should had added,
"... anymore."

Let me be more forgiving-
for old times' sake,
for all time's sake.
Holding Hands

Lovers in their own world
holding hands
as they saunter abreast
on the narrow pavement,
fencing off the rest of the world
walking behind,
slowing them down,
holding up the world.

Must the togetherness of their hands,
be their untogetherness with the world?
In loving each other,
they have forgotten
to love the world.


in the hot flask
in the cold fridge.


The loop
is a loose end
without a loose end.

Common Experiences

With not enough common experiences by two parties in any relationship, it is easy to drift apart. Especially when one party grows tremendously, experentially with a "third" party. Thus, it is not physical attachment that truly binds two to form a fruitful relationship- it is the ability to learn and grow together spiritually.


If a janitor lives in a shabby storeroom in a condominium, he does not truly live in a condo. Likewise, if sex is defined as entry and ejaculation of sperm by the penis into the vagina, then sex with a condom on is not really sex as it is the entry of the the condom into the vagina more than that of the penis or sperm- as neither comes into contact with the vagina at all. This is parellel to the janitor never really coming into "contact" with the luxuries of condominium living. Is virginity thus preserved when a virgin has intercourse with a condom on? Or perhaps I'm trying to illustrate an anti-puritan perspective on the absurdity of virginity.
Monday, May 12, 2003

Sad Things About Love

Sad things about love-
Not loving oneself,
Loving oneself too much,
Not loving anyone else,
Loving someone too much.

Dark Blue

I like the darkest shade
of blue possible,
is not yet darkness itself.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Hi-tech Excuse

This PDA is an excuse to not mingle, but look occupied and purposeful, as I key in this very line. Haha. Just as I think I'm being smart, I'm socially pathetic! At least, in this case! Haha.


Z: busy?
zL: nope... but shld be
Z: then be la :-]


Z: We don't have to push him anymore for this matter.
zL: Ya i know...trivial anyway... hehe
Z: Actually if he is serious abt becoming a better person, it is not a trivial matter- because it means he can even get out of a trivial aspect of Samsara. i respect people who admit they are wrong- because it means to me that they are true to themselves and the world. How do you seek the truth in yourself or the world if you are untrue to both?


i dun like the limbo feeling i have today...
but i realise we are in limbo all the time...
whether in a relationship or not.
we're always caught between there and there,
past and future, eternally suspended here and now.


zL: Say something intelligent leh... or else i will slip into coma soon, sigh
Z: Ok... let me try to say something intelligent...

"Deep boredom bores a deep bottomless empty hole right into the darkest depths of your being. We call that an existential crisis. While many try to desperately fill up the hole, to face oneself is to peer right into this emptiness, to embrace the darkness, to see the light in it." -Stonepeace

"Gaze long into the abyss, and the abyss gazes into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche


zL: sigh
Z: y sigh?
zL: no reason lah
Z: sigh


Being in limbo is okay
if there is no clinging to the past or future-
make peace with the limbo or bardo state.

Chicken Joke

y did chicken cross the rd?
to prove himself.

y did turkey cross the rd?
to prove he wasn’t chicken.


Relieved that we r not mere mirrors to each other-
for if so, all i need is a mirror.
I would be narcisstically in love with myself.
So i love you for our simlarities as much as differences.

i dunno why i love u
i love u for nothing specific
is this unconditional love?
or just deep ignorance
of what truly conditons my love.


zL: i like smiling at u. haha
Z: i noticed- u smiley girl
zL: it's like a way to tell u, everything will be just fine... n it is, n i need to go to the loo
Z: wat a liner.

No Loss

Nothing is a pity or wasted as long as we learn...
Even in matters of the heart, no love lost has no meaning.
Though you might have lost love,
you might have learnt more about love, about loving.


zL: Tired, so tired.
Z: Existentially or sleepily? Or both? That's the most tiring.


zL: Bugging you...nice weather!
Z: Argh! ok enjoy it.
zL: I want you to enjoy it too. Let's face the world together.

Perfect Love

A perfect love is not to have and to hold forever,
but to let go happily at the right time, without regrets.

Thank you for your perfect love.
Thank you for teaching me to love fearlessly.
Always remember our love as perfect in the beginning and end.

It is important that we are all happy-
or it would not be perfect.


zL: i knew i was 'diff' when i was abt 3-5yr old
Z: u got used to the loneliness till u 4got it is loneliness
zL: ya... so true. u going to blog this? hahah
Z: no la not bloggable la. wait... i think can... ok haha... loneliness can become company so familiar that it no longer is loneliness.


Z: did she yak abt me after seeing me?
zL: no leh- not a word.
Z: either i too lousy, or too good or too average to be worth mention haha.

Piece of Shit

Dear folks,

No one is a Da4De2 (Great Merited One) here... not me or anyone... at least not to me... so u never hear me using that term for anyone, be in in jest or otherwise- in case it swells anyone's ego. But of course, it is the non-Buddha who sees others as non-Buddhas. Like SuDongBo back then, i'm clearly a piece of "shit" myself.

Here is my cultivation in work, i try my best to do my job well, and do my best to clarify miscommunication. i find it a lot easier, especially to those my deluded eyes see as stubborn and prideful, to use written emails to sort out my thoughts, rather so than having awkward face to face communication that puts both parties at dis-ease. i let others have the luxury of time to absorb the words i use to communicate- each carefully thought through. i also let others have the opportunity to switch off without reading by clicking 'delete' straightaway. i try hard to be true to myself and the world. i'm the least hypocritical person i know. (Oh what sick ego!) And it breaks my heart when others don't try as hard- every single time. But that's just my attachment to wanting the world to reciprocate. i'm clearly a piece of "shit" myself. Yes, it always boils down to ourselves- i knew that beyond the shadow of a doubt since 15- and had been trying to let the world see this ever since. It is all MY fault that there is suffering in the world- my fault for not becoming enlightened fast enough to help the world. If the rest of the world points fingers at the rest of the world, we get nowhere; we can only point at ourselves.

So, dear colleagues, Do you see yourselves as a piece of "shit" too? i sincerely sincerely sincerely hope so... or there is no hope for you to wipe the shit that clouds the Buddha-nature in yourself... unless you don't need to, unless u are a DeDe in disguise.

your fellow piece of shit
Monday, May 05, 2003


I miss you everyday
after every parting
after every meeting.

Only after meeting you
for the first time in this life,
did I realise I've been missing you
all the time in my past life-
in my life before you came along.


Do u like my writing or me?
Or is my writing me?
There is no writer, only the writing.

Sunday, May 04, 2003


Unreconcilable double standards
are not mixed standards or half-standards-
they are the lack of any standards.

Tmesis Word of the Day for Monday April 14, 2003
tmesis \TMEE-sis\, noun:
In grammar and rhetoric, the separation of the parts of a compound word, now generally done for humorous effect; for example, "what place soever" instead of "whatsoever place," or "abso-bloody-lutely."

This is "Synthe-Tme-sis", is it not?


Lunchtime is here.
Away we go.
Eat eat eat!

Haha! I also know haiku.


Monday, April 21, 2003


"Something I learnt from a funeral...
Generally, people do care for those around them-
just that they do not know how to show it.
A short message to tell you I care."

-SMS from Ana

Leave Behind

zL: ... Fear that I am leaving them behind...
Z: Only leave them behind so that you can learn to really pick them up later.

Odd One

zL: Had a sudden fear just now. Not sure why... like I am the odd one out.
Z: Why fear you are the odd one out as long as you are the right one?


Who is imprisoned?
The sex slave
or the "master"
enslaved by his lust?

The prisoner is free
if she lets her aversion go.
The one who imprisons is free
if he lets his attachment go.

Who is the sex slave?
Who is the slave of sex?
Wednesday, April 16, 2003


"All our final resolutions are made in a state of mind which is not going to last." -Anthropology and a Hundred Other Stories (Dan Rhodes)
"That is probably why even the more we need to make resolutions." -


Out to sea,
out to see.
Out to see myself,
in the mirror of the sea,
in the mirror of my mind.


I am not prone to sea-sickness- though sometimes the feeling of existential nausea.
Easier said than done- letting go... or I would be a monk already...
Ship circling... and along with me.


Standing in the wind and the rain,
does it increase or blow, wash away the pain?


The sky is a boundless canvas of endlessly morphing abstract art.

What Do You Love?

zL: What do you love? Her long eye lashes? Her sharp nose? Her high cheekbones? Her soft lips? Or your idea of her? For what she appears to be depends on what you are fond of?
Z: I love everything about her or she would not be her. And I learn to love all her changes too.
zL: If love can grow with changes and change for the better, perhaps it will last!

Tuesday, April 15, 2003


I don't know how to treasure those who don't treasure me.
It's a case of a tit for a tat.
It's not just a case of being hurt-
it is ego at play-
a deficiency-
inability to love unconditionally,
inability to not want reciprocation.

Saturday, April 12, 2003


A pregnant pause...
in conversation...
pregnant with infinite possibilities,
impregnated with anything.

Sometimes we forget
that it can also be full of nothing,
("nothing" is one of the infinite "possibilities"!)
pregnant with nothing,
be of no particular meaning.

Sometimes it's just a natural silence,
a little too long for your comfort,
a little too long for your craving to bear,
for want of "normal" conversation,
forgetting that silence is at least half of a conversation.

Writer's Blog / Block

zL: on bed typing
Z: blog?
zL: trying
Z: a blog a day keeps the delusion at bay
zL: dun know how to start
Z: start... "On bed typing, trying, to blog... Zeph said. 'a blog a day keeps delusion at bay.' Haha... ya, somewhat true if the blog is meaningful... but i dun know how to start this one... thus am starting this blog this way- as suggested by him. ...." CARRY ON FROM HERE!
zL: aiya
Z: "if u dun know how to start, start from there" -stonepeace
zL: chay! nothing special wat
Z: Got! 2 key things- blog keeping delusion at bay (as it is reality check - taking stock of life) + the stonepeace quote haha
zL: i'm a piece of stone
Z: good- start from there- let it flow- free-flow- whatever comes to mind- just do it. Start wherever u r- cos that is where u r!

Wednesday, April 09, 2003


I don't like to wear shades because I don't like to hide my eyes from the world. I don't wish to see the world in tainted colours either- I want to see it in its true light, glaring or not. :-]


Q: #@!
Z: hey dun #@! pple! naughty! accept your bad karma graciously when have to!
Q: aiyo...ok loh... #@! myself.
Z: hey! dun #@! ANY person! "if your compassion does not include yourself, it is not complete."

Full Frontal?

Zeph: u can send these glamour shots to your frens hehe. am i a good photographer?
zLyrica: siao! not really i dun really like... haha
Z: oh... u dun like melancholic looks in photo?
zL: basically bcos cant see face fully...
Z: u can never see the whole face- see left profile cant see right profile and v.versa. See front and cant see any profile... haha
zL: ya lah its also made me look so sad. i'm not sad wat. me so jolly
Z: haha. ok later i take your happy shots. Truth is, i snapped u as u were- not particularly happy or sad. Which is the real u? Yourself in a particular mood or none at all?
zL: sigh... u got bring camera?
Z: ya hehe. fully charged... jus for u hehe
zL: u obsessed liao
Z: is the photopgraher obsessed with the photographng or the photographed?
zL: for
ur case the subject
Z: orh... both la hehe- makes it worse!


Zeph: Keep re-reading these blogs for what?
zLyrica: No lah... bored. And you don't have new stuff to read. Just like coming back life after life looking for Enlightenment loh... so somehow the same loh! Buck up!!!!
Z: Oh good analogy!
zL: Actually, it is coming back life after life looking for something... while not knowing what we are looking for. But i know wat i'm looking for lah, so... Write something! i gave you so much inspiration! Don't waste my efforts!

Lucky Guy

A line from "Vanessa Bell" in "The Hours"- "Your aunt (Virginia Woolf) is a very lucky woman, Angelica! She is because she has two lives. She has the life, she is leading and also the books, she is writing."

My comment- "I think I am a lucky guy- I have multiple lives- yet I can reconcile all happily."

Email Subject Header: Sick of Spam?

Irony is... when you are spammed a ad mail on an anti-spam software..
Irony is... spamming you might be the only way the spammers can help you be free from spam.

Just for the Record

No insight in this piece. i just booked a 3 hour slot in an Internet cafe from 2.30 to 5.30pm. Blogging backlogged blogs while plugging in to Coldplay on my PDA. And Lyrica is reading my blogs live! It feels great :-] It's a kind of retreat for me- no work... just pure entertainment and enlightenment of sorts...


Why must we a weave a story at all? Fragments of sporadic thoughts and feelings will be left as they are- with and/or without analysis. Some things left without analysis is wisdom already. yet some things must be contemplated upon for wisdom to arise. If the reader can weave a story, good. If not, too bad... but not too bad- as each item you read here is self contained, makes sense in itself.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Perfect Love

There is no perfect love as long as we do not love perfectly.
But because I accepted my past love as she was, she was perfect in every moment.
And thus, there are no regrets that we loved.


I fell in love once.
but this time, I sunk into it gently.

The falling felt more emotional.
The sinking felt more ratiional.
Then again, sinking is subtle falling.
Love always a matter of heart and head for me,
never one without the other.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Love to Love

Y: Do we fall in love with being loved?
Z: We also love to love.


Starving on the train- feeling physical and mental hollowness- yet a freedom- from navy (just finished annual reservist training), from past loves.

Perfect Love

A perfect love is not to have and to hold forever-
it lets go at the right time-
happily, without regrets


Y: Eating now, but it's all so tasteless... like life.
Z: Eating NOW is your life NOW. Anyway, you might wish to put more seasoning.
Y: A lot already. After you spice it up, you lose the original flavour. Dilemma...


Y: Yesterday is in the book of history...
where is here and now?


Y: Are you complicating the complex?
Z: What complex?
Y: I also do not know.
Z: Now you are complicating it- if there is one.


Z: You are one of the most beautiful persons I know.
Y: Haha, I never considered myself beautiful.
Z: Beautiful!


Y: I still think you don't dare to look at me.
Z: I looked! But you didn't look back!
Y: I have no idea you looked! Well, you said I didn't see you do it- how do I make contact? It takes two hands to clap!

Friday, February 14, 2003


You seemed a little restless.
Were you?...

It was probably me...
projecting my restlessness
onto you,
seeing you restless
with my restless mind,
my restless eye.


S to Y: You better be as naughty in person as you are online!
Haha I can't handle split personalities!
Joking... just be your offline "self".


S: Goodnight!
Y: Don't think you sleep at all... so, have a nice night!

On Photography

S: I like to snap pictures of stuff "glowing" in the dark.
Y: I can express well with black and white than colours.
S: I express more with the lack of light.

S: I like to snap everyday scenes that look abstract- confounds the viewer.
Y: It's like familiar, or is it?
S: That's the idea hehe. I call it "Real Abstract"- looks really abstract, but really is real; nothing abstract, but exact.

Y: We preceive the world through the reflections of lights.
S: Yup. No light no photograhy.
No no light also no photograhy (No error in this sentence)
Y: You Heart Sutra me huh?
S: Visual perception is nothing but an interplay of light and darkness.


Zeph: Warning- some of my art works are very dark- though not sadistic.
Yah: C'mon, other than children's art, all art is consider either dark, sadistic, perverted, nonsensical, and blah blah blah.
Zeph: Oh is that why children art don't sell well? Because we are perverted in various ways such that we prefer perverted works? Did we grow up to be perverted or were we latently perverted already as children? Not so "inherent" dark karma mixed polluting our inherent bright Buddha-Nature.

The Buddha's Brilliance

Zeph: Hey! Read Sophie's World too! But before that, was already philosophy inclined- but discovered the Buddha is the most brilliant- who, with all due respect, cuts the crap. Reading philosophy and psychology always gives me a kick because it reaffirms the genius of the Buddha in comparison haha I got introduction books to Aristotle, Plato, Russell, Darwin, Jung, Freud, Satre, Kant, Wittgenstein, Lacan, Descartes... There is merit in their works, but just not perfect.
Yah: Ya, agree... sometimes I really wonder how Buddha "did" it, He "made" everything so simple, and these people made more grey hair out of me only, hahaha...


Yah: So you straight or not? hehe
Zeph: Truth is we are all "crooked"!

Secret But Open Diary

Yi: If my identity can be protected, I am free to circulate my online diary.
Zeph: You can always set up a site which no one knows belong to you- eg. something like "" or something- and publicise it like a great discovery!


Zeph: We must write!
Yah: My inspiration only comes when I get distracted... haha
Zeph: Start from that very line!

What the Hell?

Zeph: "What the hell are we doing HERE, doing what the hell we are doing NOW?"
I think I summed it up quite nicely above- the fundamental existential question haha.
Yah: Ya... we are here to provoke all beings' senses via writing, taking photos and by painting... haha


Yah: Siao! (Crazy!)
Zeph: Hey! If I siao and you interact with the siao, then you are also siao!
Yah: I don't deny my insanity.
Zeph: Ironically, that makes you sane.
Thursday, February 06, 2003

Performing the Perfunctory

Z: Visiting for Chinese New Year... stuck at Grandma's boring place.
S: That's the problem. We never realise that it's perfunctory- acts which others do for us at times.
Well, you just have to bear with it. Your duty once a year.
Z: I dread doing perfunctory stuff. Perfunctory stuff are the unnecessary rites and rituals of life that many think are essential.
S: Unnecessary to some but important to others. Eg. attending wedding dinners. Yours is coming up I believe. haha.
Z: I will make my wedding very obligation free to attend. I will unfortunately list you as a must-come guest in case the occasion is boring haha.
S: That's a thought! Bored at your own wedding. You're a weirdo alright!
Z: I always see marriage as a private affair- so the hassle of dealing with guests becomes a pain haha. I will never do perfunctory stuff for you, haha. And never do for me, thank you!
S: Hey I never said I didn't want you to do perfunctory stuff for me. I might still expect it from time to time haha. Will you get a complex if I keep calling you weirdo? I better stop :p
Z: It's ok. I know I'm not weird; just unconventional- the rest of the world is weird haha.

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

Zeph: Newsflash- Friday Girl (She loves Fridays!) escapes Monday blues (she loathes them!) by skipping straight to Wednesday! (Due to Chinese New Year holidays)
Sophie: And thus another long, boring day starts...
Zeph: Oh come on!
Sophie: You are some unsympathethic!
Zeph: Hey! That was just my way of saying you'll be fine.

(A case of almost miscommunication? Or was it all in jest? Well, that's the limit of words spoken, written, sent...)


Everywhere you go, silent your mind.

-Rough quote from Ven.AG

Best One-Liner

S: Whew! Writing is tough! I'm my worst critic.
Z: The worst critic is the best critic. Send me your best one-liner to "crtiticise"!
S: Nah! Don't think I will survive the harsh words.
Z: Must have confidence! I promise to be gentle. The best one-liner will make me want the following one-liner... and on and on...!

One day later...

Sophie: Didn't realise my watch was slowing down.
Zeph: If this is a line from your book, I think it is great!
Sophie: Haiyah!
Zeph: I really mean it- makes me want to read on.
Sophie: I will keep it in mind.
Zeph: Aiya! I wanted to plagiarise that!


Zeph to Sophie: Unlike you, I don't think I am good at writing novels; I do episodal snippets of my adventures and inspired thoughts. Afterall, the interesting stuff in life usually happen in unconsecutive episodes. But then again, a novel IS a string of interesting episodes. Maybe I lack stamina in extending a single thread of thought.
Cat Existential Crisis?

Lynn: Look at the cat sitting there staring into empty space. Does he have something to do?
Zeph: Maybe he is thinking whether he has something to do. Ah... now that we are here, is there something to do? A fundamental question.
Saturday, February 01, 2003

It's Hard Not To Look

Adshel has a new series of two outdoor ads with the tagline- "It's Hard Not to Look." The two ads feature a blown up picture of a man's open fly revealing red underwear and a blown up smile with a wedge of vegetable stuck on the teeth. (Not the pic above) Is this a good example of a modern day self-fulfilling prophecy? I agree that the ads are witty, catchy and original, but let's just say "It's impossible not to look at what you are looking at." Haha. You get what I'm trying to say?

We Must Write

We must write or in some way express and leave our thoughts for a better future- like a legacy. Sometimes the spoken word and deeds done are just not record enough. To be passed down for the good of both this and future generations- the lessons you learnt from your life- the essence of your life- like a personal sutra for all to see.


San: New year days always make me a bit pensive.
Sen: Everyday is a new life. Spring clean every night.

Bad Day

San: Bad day. Simple things keep going wrong. Sigh!
Sen: Shit happens. Just wipe and go!

Guilt Trip

San: I'm in no mood for you to take me on a guilt trip!
Sen: You just spoilt my mood but it's not your fault and this is not "another" guilt trip for you.


On the way to meet you,
I missed the shuttle bus,
I missed the green traffic light,
I missed the train...
Will I miss you at the station?
I already missed you.
I miss you-
that is why I am rushing,
that is why I am worried.


Monday, January 20, 2003

Blog Term

Here's my very own blog term and how it can be used...
Q: Hey! What do you do in your free time?
A: Lots! I particularly blogalot (blog a lot)!

Blue Moon

In a light-darkened tour coach speeding away in the still of the night on the way to Cameron Highlands, I slouch comfortably on the last left window seat, as I plug into loud music on my discman, gazing out at the strange shapes of vegetation and occasional buildings looming by the side of the highway. I was thinking I never had a long ride in a long time, and thoroughly enjoyed the moment. The amost full moon accompanies, I discovered, almost hiding in a corner of the window, shining through behind a long strip of blue sun-screen sticker running along the whole coach window. It appeared blue. I grinned to myself... moments like these, how often do we catch them? "Once in a blue moon." There was no one else to share the moment with... the rest were all either asleep or trying to catch some sleep.

Monday, January 13, 2003

Best Friends

S: Just saw my friend and her kid on the way to work. Sigh!
Z: You got me! haha
S: Haiyah!
Z: Hey! ... Is the person you think of when having a good or bad or ok time the same? That is the most significant person, not necessarily lover, in your life.
S: I dispute this theory!
Z: Most significant person need not be someone you love- why you disagree?
S: I send SMS most frequently to friends who are very free!
Z: I never said significant people in your life are SMS people- so who is it? Must be your imaginary phantom boyfriend! sigh.
S: You lah! That's why I say not the most significant. hehe :p
Z: So who the most significant?
S: Trish
Z: How come you think of me in good, bad and neutral times times more then?
S: Because Trish is very busy, no time for me :<
Z: How can someone with little time for you NOW be the most significant to you NOW? By the way, I very busy boy too you know? I still in office! I make time for you! haha
S: Haha. Thanks :> Because of the depth of our friendship. We have known each other for 20 years and we have gone through a lot together.
Z: Wow! Great! But at this rate, I might overtake in 20 years' time!
S: Haha. See how.
Z: I can be naughty and argue that Trish is the most significant for the last 20 years but for now it's yours truly haha.
S: Em... you not there yet :p Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
Z: Hehe kidding- 20 years is a long time, though friendship cannot always be measured by time. Happy to settle for second or third haha. It's not a competition after all.
Z: Your friend in the morning has a kid but you a kid brother haha.
S: Haha.


S: Sigh! The interesting guy in the next dept shifted upstairs to the 3rd floor.
Z: Phantom boyfriend flits away!
S: Hehe.
Z: Ghost only! Maybe don't have to take it too seriously!

Dumping Tips

Zeph: Dumping tips in sequence-
1. Dump him mentally bit by bit.
2. Dump him really.
Remember it's better off and fair to all in the short and long run! Beat him to it!
Sophie: Aiya! Don't have have boyfriend to dump what!
Zeph: In case you feel like dumping Mr Phantom Niceguy haha.
"Renunciation is the dumping of our wants (not needs) and making peace with what we have." -Stonepeace
Sophie: That's quite good.
Zeph: But you still WANT boyfriend! Naughty girl!

Friday, December 20, 2002

Origin of Romance Stories

Here is, especially to the romantics, my very "unromantic" theory of the universal origin of romance stories. I sum it up in one word- Miscommunication! It's true- just look at all the make-and-break kiss-and-make-up stories and you will see this common factor underlying them. Miscommunication in romances come in the guises of the lovers playing guessing games, in which both parties lose- due to assumption about each other's thoughts and feelings, instead of having frank open comunication. In the "sadly ever-after" stories, the tragic ending usually comes in the form of one party losing the other, suffering due to attachment to love lost. Now... let's be sober... and not romantise suffering! That's what keeps us bound in Samsara!

Attachment Spoils Everything

Eva: One use for a boyfriend- for a good snuggly hug on a bad day.
Lloyd: Too bad- I give good hugs! I would much like to give you a good hug if we won't become attached- it's true! Sigh
Eva: We'll see haha.
Lloyd: Attachment spoils so many things- spoils life entirely! The unenlightened thinks attachment to the beloved brings happiness, when it is loving the beloved without attachment that sets us all free.

Reverse Ransom

Sophie sent a cheque to pay back Zeph for a payment he made on her behalf...

Zeph: Hey! No fair- I don't get to pass by my bank usually.
Sophie: Try! When you go out gallivanting, do a quick cheque deposit.
Zeph: Don't want haha.
Sophie: Hurmph!
Zeph: Haha reverse ransom! Don't be attached!

Being Sentient Beings

Sophie: Haha.
I'm a crybaby. I'm a softy that cries at movies. That's why I try not to go for movies with sad endings. I will be sad.
Zeph: I don't care and let tears flow like a tap haha.
Sophie: I dap and sniff discretely haha.
Zeph: Girly! Just let the river run unrestrained!

The above reminds me of a line by Zen teacher Cheri Huber,
"We are sentient beings trying not to be sentient. This is depression."

Being Myself

Eve: Hope you are not upset with me sending you the sms - Go Away!
Just checking since you are such a sensitive thing.
Zeph: I thought you were upset so I stopped sending you messages.
Eve: Nah. That was a sick lil girl.,
Zeph: Aiya how I know? You must be feeling better now that you reverted back to the more sensitive older girl mode?

Not that Eve is crazy, but the problem with us is that we insist we do not have "multi-personality disorder" ("schizophrenia" sounds too serious) and hang on to a particular "self", thinking it is more real than others. The truth is there is no truly lasting self at all. Aren't we all guilty of occasionally saying "Oh... I wasn't being myself yesterday..."

The "If" Thought Experiment

I devised a thought experiment on discovering how much mundane craving and spiritual aspiration we have-

Imagine you have infinite wishes as to how the world will be and describe instantly NOW, be it a verbal or written description, without hesitation and cancellation, as to your wishes which will lead to the creation of your ideal world. Describe your present desires, both the sacred and profanne (or as we say in Buddhism, the pure and defiled). Be as detailed as possible and do not stop till 10 minutes are up. Do not be pretentious by descibing Bodhisattva vows if they do not really apply- spill all your guts and demons. You can prioritise your desires at the end of the exercise. This exercise benefits yourself more than anyone else- it is about being frank to yourself. If you are uncomfortable doing this before someone, do it alone. But I strongly suggest you to do it before those closed to you, and to get them to do the same. This is especially effective for fostering self-discovery and mutual-understanding. After the description, make resolutions with deadlines (openly before each other if in a group) as to how you are going to fulfill what you really want.

Here is my description-

1. I wish all my family and friends, and all beings wellness and happiness to cultivate the Dharma to a non-retrogressible state within this life.
2. I wish to have good witty and wise spiritual teachers and friends who can ever so convincingly persuade me to spiritually better myself.
3. I wish to share my wit and wisdom with the world as widely as I can to benefit all- through teaching, art and writing.
4. I wish the world to have at least the same, if not more fervour for leaning, practising and teaching of the Dharma.
5. I wish to be reborn to Pureland quickly, so as to return to Samsara quickly to help all beings.
6. I wish to have one mind-blowing sexual experience (not neccesarily sex) that will leave me, ironically, NOT wanting more- having experienced the "unrepeatable ultimate" samsaric high. Note that I am not saying I want to have no sexual desire right away- this means I have lust (of course!). I do not wish to be wantonly lusting; I wish to get sexual desire over with instead, by having just a single super spiritual sexual experience. I think it is interesting that I managed to sum up my samsaric nature concisely here in 6. It is heartening, or rather, consoling to me that at least there is subtle "Buddha nature" mixed within haha.


I'm glad to say 1-5 are already somewhat underway in fulfilment to some extent- but I should put in more effort in actualising them. I realise 6. is silly- it is like wanting a "nirvana of the highest samsaric nature"- which is oxymoronic and impossible. I'm not even talking about tantric sex, which has to be lustless anyway! I should relinquish this ignorant desire through more meditation. Thankfully, I know this is possible as I have experienced the ebbing of desire in meditation before. I just need to put in more effort to rid unwholesome thought habits once and for all.

Strange Blogging

I'm blogging in a strange way yesterday- between short naps as lay on my bed as I try to relax and sort out my life and thoughts. Strange that it works rather well. For an instance, I thought I was simply being lazy.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

Bo Pian

Zeph: If it is really "bo pian" (Hokkien dialect for "no other way"), then it's bo pian
- only if it's REALLY bo pian!
Lynn: There is "pian"! (There is a way)
Zeph: Then the question is- "Do you want to 'pian'?"

The Loved and the Loving

I discovered that some, when thinking of a sexual fantasy, at some point, switch over in mental role-playing, from being the active one giving the high- to being the passive one receiving it. It doesn't even matter if the passive one is the other gender. Of course, this is not some conclusive worldwide survey thing on mental sexual habits, but it is intriguing that this might reflect the strain of selfishness within us- we prefer to be the "loved" (or "sexed") over being the "loving" one. It's a case of "It's better to receive than to give!" Then there is the fantasy of merging into oneness with the partner. Okay, that's "better"- but it's still clinging- physically and mentally.

I used to say this- For the worldly person, good sex might be the closest to a spiritual "high" that he or she might ever get. I think it's sad. In the many higher heavenly planes- even sex gets less and less gross and more and more refined. But the final refinement is the relinquishment of desire altogether. So if we really want to get high, let's go for the highest "high"! (I don't mean seek birth in the heavens- seek Nirvana!)

Not a Face Sticks

As I look back at my life so far, it is amazing that I cannot pinpoint a single beautiful thing, or face... which has so much beauty in it that it sticks indefinitely and hauntingly in my mind. That is, other than some magnificent Buddha images! Ask me to recall the most beautiful face, for instance, and my mental image is a blur. Samsara and Samsarans (my newly created word which means "inhabitants of Samsara"- beings of this cyclic world of life and death) are only beautiful in fleeting instances. I do not lament that not a face sticks- I'm thankful instead. It is when not a single face sticks, that we can see beauty in itself in all other faces, without comparison, without judgement. Incidentally, the last image that sticks in your mind as you die is usually an image or face of your most beloved. May it be the Buddha... if any! But even if so, without attachment please!

A Cheap Thrill is...

...hanging around the computer in anticipation of some surprise email that makes my day. Sometimes even to the extent of hitting the Send-&-Receive button now and then while surfing, while waiting for webpages to download, despite the email already set at the auto check-by-the-minute mode. This is the delaying of happiness, which might never come. Pathetic.... snap out of it! What is worse than wanting something is wanting something that might not come. I call it gambling for happiness. In letting go of this wanting here and now, I already win happiness without gambling. With the advent of the Internet, Samsara seems do much easier to dive deep into. It can so readily be the convenient door to a whole universe of external stimuli of the senses.

Listen to Your Heart

The thing about listening to your heart is tricky- you have to listen real hard... to truly hear it. (Take it metaphorically please! Not stethoscopically!) You have to be wise and honest as far as you can in the moment. Sometimes your hear something that sounds vaguely like your heart, but it's your delusion whispering, beckoning. The funny thing is even when do not follow your heart, you are actually following your heart- following a weak heart which wasn't strong enough to make itself heard.


I retreated recently... I retreated from a retreat a few days. Okay, was playing with words... I left a retreat early. Was uncomfortable with the meditation method and have no regrets leaving it. I can't exactly say if it is a right or wrong decision as yet. But I'm comfortable with my decision for now. Happiness in life is about making decisions that you know you will be comfortable with now and in the future. But that's the ideal- sometimes present discomfort reaps the real happiness in future. Yes you heard it all before- no pain no gain.

"Here's the tricky thing about life- life is a tricky thing." -Stonepeace


Sometimes I am not sure if I admire fellow bloggers who seem to have so much happening in their lives... I refer to their ups and downs and all. Look at the efforts spent in inserting little animated emoticons displaying their moods and all. It's a love-hate relationship with life I guess. A strange kind of attachment, a strangelove it is- our love hate relationship with Samsara and the characters in it. It is this Strangelove (ahhh... one of my favourite Depeche Mode classics- with lyrics oh so apt to what I'm trying to say here- that keeps us bound (physically and mentally), yet excited. It's a BDSM thing I think- Strangelove- the lyrics and life for many folks. By the time I finish writing this... I have lost my uncertainty (see first line)- I am sure we'll all get sick of it all in good time- this the healthy "lure" of Nirvana. In this sense, I am sure I do not admire the fellow bloggers as mentioned. No hard feelings :-]

Monday, December 09, 2002


Comments on having received spoof movie posters of Stitch as the hero in them-

It's funny that you think I'll like this- but you're right haha. Stitch is the new anti-hero of Disney world after the Beast in "Beauty and the Beast"- the real heroes are always anti-heroes- like the Buddha. (I define an anti-hero as someone who is a true hero though he has no intention of being one.)


S: I hate Mondays. What a letdown after the weekend. Very sian (feeling ennui) ah!!!
Z: I woke up with a sudden thought today that you could be the monday blues type haha- did you radiate your blues to me?
S: I don't radiate blue light! You must have jinxed me!
Z: Hey! Be responsible for your own dukkha (dissatisfactions/ suffering) haha.

The Record Blog

S: I want to thank you for your friendship. I was just talking to my good friend and she said something that I thought would apply to you as well. She said I could call her anytime of the day if I ever needed help. And I want to thank you for that. I think in our daily joking around I don't have much chance to say that :> Much appreciated by your taciturn friend here.
Z: You make bb (baby brother/boy) a happy boy!
S: :>
Z: Messaging with you has brought a new lease of life to my writing and otherwise boring life! It's official! Lil girl (who is sometimes an older girl) can indeed call Superbb to the rescue anytime! Be it offering a listening ear or a helping hand! It's funny how you seem to be more paiseh in real life; and more expressive in sms! I don't think you would say the above in person! haha. Aiya! Paiseh (shy) what? :-] hehe I do look forward to the day we have as much carefree fun in person as in sms!Sometimes I don't know why I record our dialogues (though some get blogged)- just felt it's a pity for them to be forgotten. Maybe we should compile our conversations into a comical free-wheeling enlightening and entertaining book or web!
S: Ya lor! I am more reserved and paiseh in person :p
Z: Haha... watch me... I will train you to be more open... for folks like you, luckily email and sms were invented!
S: You must show me the record book some time so that I can have a good laugh again. : )

Well... no record book- but this web haha.

Second Best

Z: I have a hunch I'm your second best friend. You are one of my three second best friends!
S: haha. That's a good way of solving it. I havn't decided yet, but you are more likely my third best friend. haha. And that is likely to drop to fourth if I find that bf LOL.


S: You actually think through your photos!
Z: Afterthoughts my dear, they are afterthoughts. Hindsights beat foresight.
S: Yeah, I know. Why bother to think so much? Do what I do- FEEL it. haha
Z: Don't you see? Think and feel together more fun!

The Little Prince

Z: By the way, I bought "The Little Prince" for you.
S: No! Must be another sad story! Don't give me!
Z: Bought already!
S: Maybe there's someone out there who will need it more :p
Z: What's more sad than the little prince is an unwanted little prince... I see how... lend you?

Moving On

S: Gotta run. It's getting late and I have done nothing....
Time to have a shower and hit the sack so that I can pack. haha.. it rhymes.


Z: I've got it- I AM mature beyond my years- thats why I find older girls more interesting! haha
S: And why is it that you find older guys boring?
Z: Because they are not mature enough for me! Measure a person by his spectrum of experience and understanding of life-not years!

2 Hands to Clap

Z: Silent for more than 24 hrs. May Sophie the meowster (cat-lover and frequent SMS-ter) be well and happy.
S: Same to u :>
Z: A case of the pot calling the kettle black, the kettle wishing well back haha.


Sophie: Have you ever had your palm read before? Do you have a career line? I was wondering if Dhama work is a career. :p
Zeph: It is the ultimate! Buddha's only job!

Either Or

SMS message to Sophie prior to departure for the Cameron Highlands trip-

Either I return more enlightened or deluded-
but isn't that the case for everywhere we go and all we do?
May the fresh mountain air bring new inspiration.


Sophie: You modest?
Zeph: I don't think I am modest... See? I'm so modest about my modesty!


If you want to tell me that the stars are not words,
then stop calling them stars.

-Jack Kerouac

Sophie: Hmm... dun understand :p
Zeph: Words my dear! You don't understand words. Jack's talking about stars!


Sophie: Haha. Just realised that I look quite cool when I don't smile.
Zeph: Yes- your "tao" ("proud-ish") look haha. I think I look cool when I frown. Brooding look with knitted eyebrows haha.
Sophie: Yah. Your usual look.
Zeph: Can I have permission to snap your cool unsmiling look? You get to choose what shots I get to keep haha. I want artsy angles only.
Sophie: Only if I can do the same with you.
Zeph: Deal. I capture your "tao" look and you capture my criminal look haha.
Sophie: Haha.

Accidental Haiku

An accidental haiku by Sophie after a string of real time email exchanges-

It's been fun but gotta run!
hehe.. it rhymes.